What if Eric Cartman Met Madea: A Meeting of Madness

by Ronny Banks

Picture South Park's fictional Colorado town meeting the sassy streets of Atlanta where Madea reigns supreme around that bitch. Eric Cartman, the iconic and often diabolically clever troublemaker, finds himself in the child care system after Ms. Cartman is found unfit to parent. Ms. Cartman creates an OnlyFans to pay the bills and safe to say, business is booming. DHS loads Cartman onto a pickup truck and ships him off to Atlanta. Imagine his initial confusion as he encounters Madea's southern abode and her no-nonsense approach to children’s slick talk. Cartman and the DHS worker take a couple steps up the old, wooden steps and knock three times on the old brown, timber door. 

“Damn, Heavy hands!,” Madea shouts from the kitchen. “Just come in before you break my damn door!”

The DHS worker opens the door for Cartman and leaves him immediately after. Cartman glances at the family portraits swaying on the striped walls.

“The fuck is this?,” Cartman said. “The PJ’s house?” 

Madea springs out of the kitchen accompanied by her pistol. 

“Let me tell you sumn’ pudgy lil’ boy,” Madea said as she cocks her pistol. 

“Not this again,” Cartman says, “Mr. Perry, we all know that is you in a wig, okay?” 

“The fuck you just say to me?!” 

“Using me as a catalyst for your movies won’t revive your career,” Cartman explains. “Oh, lordy! Look at how the White man is abusing the Black woman, na.”

Madea hand loses grip and her pistol falls to the floor. She reaches behind the china cabinet and yanks out an old extension cord. Once vibrant orange, its surface is now covered in stains of past children who dared to challenge Madea’s authority. 

“Oh, I see,” Madea says, wrapping more than half the extension cord around her arm, “Liane ain’t whoop that ass yet, has she?” 

Madea claws onto Cartman’s collar and swifts him off his feet like a newborn pig. She commences to whooping that ass as Cartman feet dingles in the air. 

“M to the damn,” Madea says as she strikes Cartman’s exposed ass cheeks. “D, E, A!” 

Madea flung him at the wall. Cartman slides off the wall as if he suffered a fatal shot to the back. Tears began to pour down his cheeks. 

“Go, clean up, chunky ass lil’ boy,” Madea says leaving the scene of the crime. 

Cartman runs upstairs. 

Cartman, known for his selfishness and manipulation, would undoubtedly clash with Madea's strong-willed and fiercely protective nature. Their interactions would be a rollercoaster of wit and absurdity. Cartman's schemes to exploit situations for his own gain would meet their match in Madea's blunt honesty and quick-witted comebacks.

Imagine Cartman trying to charm his way into Madea's family dinner, only to face her sharp wit and boisterous brother, Uncle Joe, comedic timing. The chaos that ensues as Cartman tries to impress Madea's family members would be pure comedic gold. 

Madea would walk upstairs and knock on his door and inform Cartman that dinner is done. Cartman would then come downstairs and meet Uncle Joe. 

“Hey , Uncle Joe!,” Cartman says, pulling out his seat to sit at the table. 

“Why is this little chubby muthafucka here? We filming for that reality show on TLC, Mabel?” Uncle Joe chuckles. 

“Joe, shut up, damn,” Madea says as she brings out the plates of chicken.

“Now, Mabel,” Joe says, staring at Madea. “Why are you giving this poor lil’ white boy with 3 stomachs, more chicken?” 

“Hey!,” Cartman yells. “I’m not fat, I’m big-boned.”

“Oh, boy, cut that shit out,” Madea says as she chuckles. “Your titties bout long as mine.” 

Joe and Madea are filling the room with humor and jokes at the expense of Cartman’s feelings. Tears began to pour down his face once more forcing him to run off upstairs. Cartman picks up the phone and calls his mom. Ms. Cartman picks up. 

“Cartman residence,” Ms. Cartman says. 

“Mommyyy!,” Cartman yelps. 

“What’s wrong, Snoopykins?,” Ms. Cartman asks. 

“Please come get me,” Cartman says. “They’re calling me fat, they’re beating me with cords, and they’re forcing me to watch reruns of Moesha! Please come get me.”

“I’m on my way,” Ms. Cartman says before hanging up. 

Ms. Cartman barges into Madea’s house. However, she’s completely unaware of who Madea is. 

“Where’s my son?!,” Ms. Cartman shouts. 

“I don’t know,” Madea says approaching Ms. Cartman. “But, bitch I got a gun. So I suggest you walk your skinny lil wh-“

Joe rolls out into the living room and interrupts Mabel after he notices Ms. Cartman.

“Hold on,” Uncle Joe says as he squints at Ms. Cartman. “Kunt-Li? Is that you, babygirl?” 

“Hey Joseph,” Ms. Cartman says as she hugs him. “Long time, no see!”

“Yeah, your fine ass aged nicely girl,” Uncle Joe says, feeling up on her ass.

“Oh, stop,” Ms. Cartman blushes. 

“Why do they call you Kunt-Li, babygirl?,” Madea asks.

“I believe it’s because ‘my pussy has a kick to it’,” Ms. Cartman says politely. “Oh, and my name is Liane.” 

“Take your freaky ass and lil’ Jack Black,” Madea says, “and get the fuck out my city.” 

Cartman comes running downstairs. 

“Took you long enough,” Cartman says. “Come on, we gotta go. The cops will be here any second.” 

“Why do you say that, sweetie?,” Ms. Cartman asks. 

“Trust me, mom,” Cartman says, “It’s a routine for these people. Have you seen ‘Boyz in the Hood’?”

He grabs his mom's hand and they both leave. 

In merging the questioning but hilarious antics of Eric Cartman with the larger-than-life presence of Madea, we've crafted a unique narrative blend that brings out the best of both characters' distinctive styles. This crossover not only showcases the comedic potential of combining two vastly different personalities (again) but also highlights the universal themes of resilience and irreverence that both characters embody.